VACATION …

Wont be posting for a while … I am on vacation in JAMAICA!!!

Yes, I will be having fun in the sun!!!

See ya soon …

This TRICK is CRAZY!!

So for Thanksgiving I was in a joyous and Thanksgivingly mood and I decided to call my father to say happy Thanksgiving. He did not pick up and I did not leave a message, so I decided to send him an email. If you’ve been keeping up with this blog, you already know that I do not like the dude and I do not like his wife. So in the email, I made sure i expressed that a little. You know what, here read for yourself:

I’m not calling you because I like you or anything like that.
Cause frankly I know you know that I do not like and the reasons why I
don’t.

There are a few  reasons why I’m calling you. First, is to say Happy Thanksgiving!                                     Second: I’m not going to share it through email because we all know your not the                                          only one that reads your email.

If you really care and would like to know you can call me back. If you’ve lost my number here
is it ###-###-#### or I’m sure your wife has it too.

Like always I’m not going to give you the benefit of the doubt or am I
going to hold my breath.  Like I said – if you really care you can
call me.

Bye,

Okay, so maybe it was a little harsh, but like I said and if you have been following – I do not like the dude!! So I don’t care how harsh I was.  Anyways, on my way back in Boston on the 29th of November my phone rang and of course it was his wife, yelling in my ears. I didn’t even said hello properly before she shouted out, “This is Xxxx wife and I just want to tell you that you are rude and very disrespectful”. I just hang up on her ass, don’t call me and waste my minutes to tell me this crap. This trick called my phone like 4-7 times until she got the gist that I aint picking up.

I’m now at home relaxed enjoying the evening; checked my email and this is the email I received:

This is Xxxx’s Wife

I’m through being nice to you, talking about me as if I’m nothing. Yes, I read his emails. He asks me to read his mail sometimes and what’s wrong with that. We’ve been together for 33 years. 27 years of marriage.How do you think. I feel to get up everyday and think about this craziness. Do you think I love this( this is a rhetorical question) I know your answer. If you think being mean to me is going to get you closer to him, you’re making a sad mistake. I’m his wife and don’t forget that. Don’t be disrespectful, He told me the things you said about me and he thought you were also disrespectful. That’s why he stopped talking to you. He told your mother he didn’t want to have a child, she chose to bring you into this world. You are grown, stop behaving like a 2-year-old, You can’t be daddy’s little girl, he already has 3 daughters. I’m not saying you can’t talk to him, you are asking for too much. Get a grip of yourself. Been nice could go a long way.

Stop calling and stop sending rude messages. If he wants he’ll. come to you. I know him quite well, we’ve been together since high school. He said , he made a mistake.

Bye

I cried. I sure did cry. She sure did hit a nerve. Then I remember something that my therapist told me; he said that I shouldn’t allow anyone to put their pain and anguish on me. I should not accept their pain at all. He said, I should share the pain that people inflict on me. So, I called up my best friend; because she knows exactly what I am going through – because she has a bum of a father too. We talked about it and this is my reply to the email (it’s really long so I am just going to put the parts I know will hurt her more):

Hello this is Xxxx’s first-born daughter,

Thank you yet again to tell me how much of a mistake I am. I
appreciate it. I really do appreciate it. Its emails like this that
makes my days and my life goes better knowing that I am mistake.

[...]I’ve been nothing but cordially to you. You’re the one that has been
calling me venting and saying the things you’ve been saying. Never have I
called you. Never once you asked me how I felt about things? Or even
if I’m doing okay. It was all about you and how you and your children
are going to feel.

[...]Don’t be mistaken by my willingness in wanting a relationship with him                                                             with ‘trying to be daddy’s little girl’. I grew up accepting my life without a father.                                                 I could have continued that path until HE sent me an email saying he is my father.

[...]Yes it hurts  like hell to know that the person who said he is my
father has rejected me twice. Did your father rejected you? Has your
father ever called you a mistake?

[...] the feeling of rejection by a man who made a perfectly conscious
decision to sleep with another woman knowing he has another woman
somewhere else and then 9 months later a mistake was born. I never
made this mistake. And You will never know how I am feeling and what
I’m going through.

[...] I don’t know what Xxxxs been telling you. But I know you couldn’t wait
to hit that reply button or blast my phone off.

You know I wonder; If your marriage is so strong and perfect. Why are
you trying to start something with someone your husband apparently
told you he wants nothing to do with (so you say). Or why is it your husband is                                            having phone conversations with my mother? Telling her that if he was                                                                  still in Jamaica he would have given her another baby.

P.S.
No matter how much of a ‘MISTAKE’ I am; DON’T you ever forget that I am
still the FIRST-BORN.

I told you it was a long email. I had a lot to say, okay!

I’m getting rid of it…

So last week Friday I found out something. Something I was not expecting. Something that is fixable, even though a lot of people are against it. So tomorrow I am fixing the problem. It’s not going to be emotionally challenging because I am not emotionally attached. That’s why its going to be easy for me to fix it.

Your probably wondering what that something is … well I ain’t gonna tell you.

Goodnight

She has not replied …

Yeah, just a little update on the contacting my sister thing.  She has not replied to or contacted me ever since I sent her the last email. I won’t know why until she replies or something magical happen. So yeah … I’m watching American Music Awards — Shakira killed it. Wonder what Rihanna and her no singing self gonna do.

 

Peace!

Self Peace …

I have not been blogging for a moment now.  Just been busy with life. No other excuses but that. However, life has been looking up for me a little bit better.  I am letting go of things that I had sealed away, I am accepting change, I am delivering a better me to the people I love and care about.  I can honestly say, even though I am going through a rough time right now – I am happy with me and my progress to be a better me. My sanity and self peace is more important to me than anything or anyone that I know is not good for me right now.

I refuse to be a failure, no matter how many obstacle that comes in my way.  I see a bright future and I am hungrier than ever to pursue it.

Happy I am!

I MISS My Best Friend…

So a few days back, I was on the Simmons College, Boston MA campus and I was choking up a little, because I had a little history on that campus.  I was never a student there, but I used to sit in classes, use there resources (library, food court and writing labs) a lot – a matter maybe too much.  My friend KS was a student there – she graduated in May 2008 – so proud of her. There is a lot of memories on that campus … so many memories! Not just on that campus, but all over Boston. We were what my mom called ‘bench and batty’ – where ever one, is the other is right behind the other.

KS and I met each other over a chat room hosted by RJR in 2000, I was living in St. Louis at the time.  Then I moved back to Boston in 2002 and we chatted everyday on the phone for like 6 – 8 months before we met each other face to face. At that time she lived like 20 minutes out of Boston.  We didn’t know Boston that well because it was just in 2000 when we both migrated from Jamaica. One day we decided it was time and we met each other one cold night in Downtown Boston and been inseparable every since …

She was the first person that I really attached myself to. It was easy to be myself around her and mostly I trusted her. We had each other back 100% all the time. We supported each other in everything, we would know what each other is thinking and what our respond to anything would be. It was crazy how our relationship was. I was drawn to her because some part of our childhood was so similar. If anyone came in our lives, you had to be prepared to have a relationship with both of us – nothing more nothing less. I loved it though and now I MISS it and I MISS her.

MISSED her because: at one point about 1 year ago – I became confused about life and the people in my life. It was as if tape worms were slowly eating out my soul and they were taking over my life. I was not enjoying anything – I didn’t want to be around anyone – I didn’t trust anyone – I thought everyone was judging because of everything I do and say – I felt like me I was under a microscope and everything I did was continuously reprimanded and judge.

She has been the only person that would catch me on my ‘I’m good’ lies. She realized that I was going through some rough times and she reached out multiply times and I didn’t accept her help. I normally don’t regret things that happen in my life, this would be the first  and now I regret shutting my friend out of life. I realize how much she really means to me and how much I love her and want her to be in my life.

About a week ago or so ago I reached out and I apologized. I would love if we could have that relationship again and I would understand and accept if it will not be that way again. She is still in my life and I will take that.

… its her spunk for life, her ambitions, her kindness, her motivational mind, her warm heart, her acceptance, her … I MISS her – my friend, confidant, my SISTER.

Happiness from music …

Every time I start singing “My Favorite Things” from the musical “The Sound of Music” I know I am happy and in a good place.  A matter of fact, I normally sing all the songs from that movie when I am happy or any other musicals.  I want to share the words of this song with someone, because maybe,  it can put a smile on someone else’s face.

My Favorite Things

Oscar Hammerstein II and Richard Rodgers

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;
Brown paper packages tied up with strings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels;
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles;
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes;
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes;
Silver-white winters that melt into springs;
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Enjoy ….

Oh Andre 3000 from Outkast did a sick cover and Lil Wayne and Juelz Santana sampled the tune for a mix tape they did.

SHE REPLIED …

I am still in shock that she actually replied. She replied …  She asked me where was I born, my date of birth and a picture of myself because she did not believe that I was her sister.  So I told her and sent her a picture.  I am not sure how the picture will assure her that we are sisters – I don’t believe in the whole you look like someone else so you must be related (you watch Maury, that shit don’t work).

So I sent her the info she requested last night and now I am just waiting to hear from her, that’s if she replies. This is so wow!

I contacted one of my sister …

I know I said previously that I sent a friend request with my email address to one of my sisters, that I have never met and she probably does not know anything about me.  After a few weeks of no reply I decided to send her a real email.  The email went like this:

Hello,
I’ve had this draft email in my inbox empty for the past 3 – 4 months. Wanting to write something and not sure what to write.  And even though I am writing something right now this is probably not making any sense to you because you don’t know who I am and your probably wondering who I am.
This is not easy and like I said above – I’ve had this empty draft in my inbox for a while. I’m thinking I should just come out with what I need say. Which I am not afraid of doing. What I am afraid of is your reaction.  When I do say what I have to say – I will respect whatever it is that you say and whatever it is you decide to do. Be assure that my intentions for doing this is strictly positive and wish to cause no drama or sadness in your life.
So here it goes:
I’m Rashelle B. , formerly Rashelle S.
You and I have the same father.  So that would make you my half sister …
And I just really wanted to say ……..
Hello.

I know, I mumble jumbled on it, but honestly I did not know what else to say.  In all honesty I really just wanted to say hello, because I don’t want to say the “wrong” thing.  I sent the email on October 16, 2009 and today is October 18, 2009.  She has not replied, but she had read the email.  So right now I am a tad bit nervous; is she gonna reply? What is going through her head? Is she okay? Did I do the right thing? I will know theses answers when or if she replies. That’s if she does.  Now I wait.

I am ready …

I’ve been sick with the flu and sick with life for the past week.  It’s so mind blogging going to bed one way and waking up different.  I am now in the process of getting my passport and stuff ready for my move to Jamaica.  So I am planning on telling my Mom soon, not sure how she will react, but I don’t care how she will.  It’s not about her and what or how she feels it’s about me and my journey.  I told my husband and he doesn’t believe me or he just doesn’t know how to handle it.  He said he doesn’t want me to go because I’ve worked so hard on everything and to him it feels like I am giving up on things. (i dropped out of school and I will be resigning from my job)  He said he is scared for me – he has no need to be though, because I will be “just fine” (MJB song just popped in my head).

He has so much going on right now him himself needs some space from me.  I am scared for him more than anything else, he is sad and I cannot help him.  When you have a man cry in your arms because he is hurting inside and there is nothing you can do to help him – it hurts you too.  I see the pain he is going through and as a partner you want to take that pain away.  But there is nothing I can do and  I want the best for him. I’ve always told him that he deserves happiness and right now he is fighting for his happiness and I hope he gets his happiness – His baby girl. She is all he needs.

I’m so ready for this process, even though I know I will be digging up shit that no one would ever believe.  To confront who you’ve become because of your past, is to confront who helped build who you are now from your past. It might make no sense to you, but it sure makes a lot of sense to me.  I am ready.